This is me at work saying hi to you all with a smile before i give some sad news...

well i have bad news. this sunday after church i was making brunch with daniella, making scrambled eggs when i got a call from my boss clare ann...she told me mike, one of our core members died on saturday night in a car accident. she didn;t know too many details except for he was driving home from his mothers house and was afraid he was going to be late. (he has a curfew set by parole and if he is late, they may send him back to prison on a violation of parole) he was going too fast and had a fatal car accident where they believe he was ejected from the car as he wasn't wearing his seatbelt. the article in the newspaper said he hit a tree, but a few of the volunteers and clare ann went to visit his mother and checked out the crash site and could not find any sign of damage to a tree or really any other sign of a crash except for a few old flares. i did not know what to say. it was a complete shock. he had just bought a dodge neon 2 weeks ago and was doing very well, had a positive outlook on life although he had just been laid off from his trucking job (as the company lost their contract with Sunkist...7 out of the 10 employees were let go).
we met as a circle this afternoon to process everything which it seems none of us had really been able to do without the other circle members. mike's mother is completely devastated and doesn't really have the resources to know what to do in this situation. She does not have money for a funeral and we are working with her to help with logistical things. we are going to put together a memorial service for mike in the next week or 2. it has been quite an emotional month and a half for me, all with work being very busy, missing home, missing friends, not being able to see grandpa, and just sort of being in a rut for a lack of further explanation. i seem to be a bit emotionally worn out and this event sent me over the edge if you will. it is hard to be so far away from all those i love in these times. i have had many days after work going to the coffee shop and writing in my journal, reflecting on my feelings. needless to say i am much appreciative for all the little cards you all send with a bit of cash so i can keep up my coffee habit. :)
on a happier note, the church congregation had a grocery shower for us and donated about 10 sacks full of groceries, odds and ends that we will now not have to use our grocery budget for. it was overwhelming at all the things they gave us. and last night i made grandma dori's chicken and rice casserole that is a favorite by everyone at the house. i use the biggest 18 inch pyrex we have and barely have enough left-overs to take lunch for myself the next day! also, it has been absolutely gorgeous this past weekend! and the past two days have been so sunny, but cold and surprisingly windy...
well, i was writing this at the coffee shop (The Revue), but had to go home for dinner. Kelsey made lasagna (YUMMY!) and i helped her make bruschetta as a side. We have been eating as a house at the dinner table instead of eating in front of the tv lately which is so much nicer! we used to only do that once a week, but have started to eat almost monday-thursday at the table together. we light candles and i put on some nice relaxing music on my ipod for us. it is still a quite difficult getting all of them to open up about their day, so i end up talking a lot about what is going on in my life...of course i am the emotional dramatic one here! haha. i told them today that mike's circle met today to process and i also told them how emotional i have been lately, i even confessed the past few days on the bus ride to and from work i find myself tearing up and crying a bit...it just seems those 45 minute bus rides where i am just waking up, or exhausted from a day at work, listening to my moody music find myself welling up with all the emotions i must surpress each day when i am around people. i don't have anyone here who i can confide in like i did in north carolina with my best friends...i am yearning for them. Mallory will be in LA this weekend, but i have a youth fundraiser for Menno Conference Saturday night and cannot make a trip to SoCal. It makes me sad we will only be hours away and can't see each other.
A couple songs that have really been helping me lately are by the Wailin' Jenny's; a canadian folk trio with phenomenal harmonies and poignant, life lessons lyrics which hit home. "One Voice," "Avila," and "Apocalypse Lullaby." I will end with the lyrics to the songs...wish i could get them up on this blog, but can't find them on the site i get music from. Also, when talking to mike's circle today, a quote from my favourite movie, "The Hours" came upon me. I watched this film 3 times last week. (part of the emotional outpour...) Nicole Kidman plays the character of writer Virginia Woolf and is speaking to her husband about the novel she is writing, "Mrs. Dalloway" and he asks her why one her characters must die. She replies, "Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more. It's contrast." I never truly understood that quote until today. The circle was discussing how much of a success story mike's was. everyone we spoke to or gave a presentation to heard us tell the story of mike...and we as a circle were so impressed by the total change in his attitude and way of living. clare ann made a comment that his death has made her think about how precious and short life is and how quickly, in a nano second, life can end for anyone. we become comfortable and complacent with our routines every day and can easily forget how blessed we are to wake up each day, be with, think of and talk to those we love the most. death does make us value life on earth more, though sad it is to lose loved ones. i also think being away from those you love (like me in california) also makes one value life and relationships more. i have never felt such a closeness and need for you all in my life. i think of you all EVERY day and i thank God you have been put in my life, whether as a friend, mom, dad, sister, aunt, uncle, cousin, neighbor, or whatever. i guess that may be it for this entry. i feel that i have just finished a depressing journal entry and for that i apologize if i made anyone sad. hopefully the next one will be filled with just joy! not sadness and joy. i love you all deeply. please don't ever forget that.

love,
jor

Apocalypse Lullaby: the wailin' jenny's

Hurricanes will come
Earthquakes break the walls
Oceans rise
Empires fall

Enter world, light unshown
Follow heart, follow home
Here we are, light unshown
One round heart, one round home

Spin the speed of light
Tetrahedron blue
One last paradise
You can make for you

Enter world, light unshown
Follow heart, follow home
Here we are, light unshown
One round heart, one round home

Faster than a ship
Further than bomb
See the glowing grid
Send love throughout the throng

Enter world, light unshown
Follow heart, follow home
Here we are, light unshone
One round heart, one round home

One Voice: the wailin jenny's

This is the sound of one voice
One spirit, one voice
The sound of one who makes a choice
This is the sound of one voice

This is the sound of voices two
The sound of me singing with you
Helping each other to make it through
This is the sound of voices two

This is the sound of voices three
Singing together in harmony
Surrendering to the mystery
This is the sound of voices three

This is the sound of all of us
Singing with love and the will to trust
Leave the rest behind it will turn to dust
This is the sound of all of us

This is the sound of one voice
One people, one voice
A song for every one of us
This is the sound of one voice
This is the sound of one voice

Remember this Jenna, Layne, and Anna!? (Dresden and Paris!)